Harry Potter and the Golden Apple Corps
by spamseller-fenderson
Summary: Harry gets a visit from the Goddess of Chaos. She wants to help with TheVillainShe'sConstantlySlamming. Love, roaches, cabbages, and a wereflamingo! canon pairings, although set in my uni from When Harry Left Dursley.
1. Chapter 1

Harry Potter and the Golden Apple Corps

**a/n: This is my first chaptered fic. Moldybutt as a perjorative for Voldemort was stolen from The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy. Eris is the goddess of Chaos, Discord, and Confusion.**

Harry Potter sat surveying the living room of 12 Grimmauld Place. His friends had certainly gone above and beyond the call of duty in making the house his godfather had left him fit for living in. It still depressed him not to have Sirius and Dumbledore around, but at least the last thing Sirius had done in the house improved it by at least a thousandfold. Harry had finally achieved an understanding of the event from Kreacher, the treacherous little house elf that had helped Voldemort trick Sirius to charging to his death.

Kreacher did not want to tell, but Harry barked it out as an order. Through the screams of "Don't Want to!" the elf told how Sirius, thoroughly disgusted that the elf and the portrait of his mother had collaborated with the Malfoys to lure Harry into the ministry, marched straight to the painting and shot a reducto curse at the wall, intending to just blast the damn wall and the painting with the permanent sticking charm out of existence. He got what he wanted, though not what he intended. The painting was the only thing destroyed. The only damage to the wall were two black marks that looked like a dog and a stag.

Harry often thought about this last act of Sirius in his house, and smiled somewhat sadly. But it did make him remember that there were people that loved him in the world. He looked up at the portraits on the walls of his living room smiling. Ron grinned down at him from one and then moved toward the next portrait from where Hermione beamed down at Harry. As Ron's likeness got into the painting and put his arm around Hermione, Harry wondered to himself softly if this meant that the real Ron and Hermione had finally woke up to the fact that they were meant for each other. At this, Harry winced a little bit as he moved his eyes to the portrait of Ginny.

He had very little time to ruminate, however, as a faint music seemed to be sounding in his ears. He thought he recognized the tune. Something from his elementary school studies of American Muggles. He hazarded a long pull on his wraithrum and pixieflower soda while pondering the strange music and the paisley cloud of smoke that began swirling before him. The music blared and a woman emerged in a tie-dye leotard and tutu with ballet movements that would make an entire company of world renowned dancers drop dead from sheer green envy. At the same time, Harry heard a voice singing odd words to the tune he found familiar, and sprayed the new arrival with a spectacular spit take. As the oddly dressed newcomer hit the floor in laughter, Harry stood in shock listening to the words coming from nowhere.

Mine brain has meditated

On the spinning of the chao

It is hovering over the table

Where the chiefs of staff are now

Gathered in discussion

Of the dropping of the bomb

Her apple corps is strong

Grand and gory ol' Discordja!

At this point Harry lost track of the words as the stranger in his house was turning a dangerous shade of purple. In fact, the stranger was looking worse than he'd ever seen his uncle look when threatening him. He stepped toward the stranger, pulling his wand from his pocket to help when it hit him that she was not invited here, and her appearance may have been some kind of Death Eater trick.

"Petrificus Totalus!" Harry cast at the figure on the floor, who was now regaining her breath. She sat up and snickered as Harry looked at his wand and tried a couple of other spells.

"Won't do you a bit of good, you know," said a voice from over his shoulder in the direction of his couch. Harry pivoted on his foot in such a way as to have them both in view. "Hi! I'm Omar. The baggage who doesn't seem to have any dress sense over there is Eris Discordia, Goddess of Chaos, Discord, and Confusion."

Harry pointed his wand at the drink in his hand and vanished it. Well, his wand wasn't broken. He wasn't so sure about his mind, especially because at that point the person introduced to him as a goddess stepped out of her clothes. Literally. She took a giant step to the left and into the buff. The hideous outfit remained standing.

Harry wished desperately that he could speak. He was trying to regain his verbal capability, figure out how two people could get into a place that had even more wards than Hogwarts, and understand just why exactly one of those people had decided to disrobe in front of him. He had to admit that it was probably too much for him at this point, and he would be well within his rights to just gibber quietly to himself.

At that moment, the striking raven-haired beauty started trying to pick a new outfit. At least, Harry thought, that is what it looks like. She had faced the still standing outfit and it had begun to change into different outfits. It took about a minute for the outfit (or the woman-Harry couldn't decide which one) to decide what it was going to be. Harry spent the entire time lost. He tried frantically to gain some kind of grasp on the situation, but the sight of the nude goddess in front of him was depleting his brain's blood supply. The outfit settled on becoming a leather minidress that looked about three sizes too small. It careened around and placed itself on her.

"Hi Harry, I've come to help you kick old Moldybutt's ass!" Eris said, planting a firm kiss on Harry's lips.

Harry did what any sensible seventeen-year-old wizard would do in the same situation—he fainted.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

"Nice one, boss," laughed Omar as she caught Harry, whose head had found a resting-place where, if he were to wake up at the moment would send him right back to la-la land again. She sent Harry's limp body over to lie on the couch and turned to Omar with a grin.

"I told you this would be fun. Besides, with Greyface teaming up with this kid's enemy, he's gonna need some help from us."

A large cockroach scuttled out from under Harry's couch and grew in size until he was about two feet long.

"Hi Gulik!" said Omar brightly. "How was your trip?"

"Terrible!" spat the roach. "I'm not sure which is worse, the bug sprays or the people who chase me trying as hard as they can to get a boot on me."

"Where's Mal-2?" asked Eris petulantly.

"You are frigging omniscient you silly slitch!" Omar snarled, "quit asking me questions you already know the answer to."

"It gives Spamseller something to type. Anyway, I think I'll send him off on a different mission anyway. Does _this_ outfit work for you? I'd just as soon walk around in the buff, but I don't think the boy can take it."

"_She_ couldn't take it," said Gulik firmly, gesturing with an antenna towards the now empty frame where Ginny's portrait hung on the wall. "I think we'll have company presently."

"I _know_ we will," Eris said, overemphasizing the word to try to get Omar's goat. Omar, being one of her most faithful servants, shrugged it off. Eris was a little miffed at his lack of reaction but caused about a gallon of ice cold water from nowhere to hit Harry in the face.

As soon as Harry stopped spluttering, he asked, as calmly as he could, "Who the hell are you people, why are you in my house, and for that matter WHY IN THE BLOODY HELL IS THERE A TWO FOOT ROACH IN MY LIVING ROOM?"

"Can we wait for the rescue party to show up? I'd like to explain this only once."

"Do I have a choice?"

"No, not really. Gulik will bring you your wand, but it won't work on any of us anyway. Suffice it to say that we are allies in your fight."

The roach scuttled across the floor, picked up Harry's wand and brought it to him.

"Thanks," Harry said, wondering if this was what happened from drinking too much, but he'd only put a tiny bit of wraithrum in his soda—in fact, the bottle was still almost completely full.

He didn't have long to think about it, as his door burst open and the rescue party had arrived, most of them pointing their wands at the strangers. Remus Lupin, Tonks, and Arthur Weasley pointed theirs at Omar; Fred, George and Ron pointed theirs (of course) at Gulik. Hermione and Ginny, however, were the only two pointing their wands at Eris. Ginny was red in the face and it seemed to be only the fact that there was an auror in the room that kept her from A-K'ing Eris. Moody was the only one not pointing his wand anywhere. He had put it away and buried his face in his hands. He was muttering something that sounded suspiciously like "Oh no, not again, my nerves still haven't recovered from the last time." He gathered his composure as much as he could and growled, "Put 'em away people. There's nothing a wand can do to this lot. They're on our side anyway."

"You know these people and that bug?" asked Harry, desperately hoping for something to actually make sense.

"One person, Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, Bull Goose of Limbo and Chairman of the Fair Play for Switzerland Committee," Moody began through clenched teeth, "The roach is Saint Gulik, faithful insect servant of," he waved his hand towards the raven headed beauty in the minidress, "Eris Discordia, goddess of chaos, discord, and confusion. And if they are here to help, we're in more trouble than Voldemort."

"Alastor!" Eris screamed. The rest of the room turned a light pink as she ran up to the aging auror and jumped up on him, wrapping her legs around him and kissing him so hard that they thought she was going to come away with Moody's wooden leg clutched between her teeth.

The kiss went on for quite some time. Omar cleared his throat. Gulik groomed his antennae. Ginny walked across the room and sat down next to Harry. Fred, George, and Ron started a three-handed game of exploding snap.

When Eris finally let Moody come up for air he blushed slightly (although there is still some debate from those present as to whether it was from embarrassment or lack of oxygen) and said, "Er, yes. Well, I suppose we had better start this discussion somewhere."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

Harry looked at the motley assemblage in his living room. He was still a little taken aback at the strangeness of the evening, but he decided that it was either a dream, or being "The-Chosen-Boy-Who-Lived-and-Loses-All-His-Parent-Figures" had finally warped his brain beyond repair. He figured either way, the best bet was to just go with it. He stood up, cleared his throat, motioned toward the kitchen, and announced, "It seems that we are going to have a meeting of some sort. If Professor Lupin will kindly close the front door, we can all adjourn to the kitchen and Dobby can serve some refreshments while we have our discussion."

As they made their way into the kitchen, Eris caught Ginny and pulled her aside. "He loves you, you know."

"He's already said so, but he's worried about You-Know-Who hurting me to get to him."

"I know, but I think I can allay his fears by the end of this little chat."

"Why are you helping me? My portrait told me about you parading around in front of him naked."

"I was just changing clothes, and as a goddess, I tend to ignore all your petty taboos."

Ginny was about to respond to this when Moody's voice came roaring out of the kitchen. "Eris, you everlasting bitch! You started this, get your ass in here to explain!"

"Keep your leg on, Alastor," Eris said, gliding into the room arm-in-arm with Ginny, "As I told Harry a few minutes ago, I'm here to help with his battle against He-Who-Must-Usually-Be-Fucking-Hyphenated."

Harry and Ginny smirked. Fred, George, Ron, and Tonks burst out laughing. Moody himself looked to be on the verge of smiling. Remus, Hermione, and Omar buried their faces in their hands. Gulik just clicked his mandibles and twitched his antennae in a way that seemed to be telling Eris to get on with it.

"Your enemy, Voldietwit, seems to have joined forces with my enemy, Greyface. This brings a new twist on an old problem for all of us. As your enemy is now mine, I am here to induct you all into the Golden Apple Corps. Harry, as you are the one who has to kill Moldybutt, I think you can stand in as the one to answer in the ceremony."

"Er, I guess," Harry said, not at all sure he really wanted anything to do with this.

"Are you a Human Being and not a Cabbage or something?"

"Yes," Harry answered, with some trepidation.

"That's too bad. Do you wish to better thyself?"

"Uh. Sure."

"How stupid. Are you willing to become Philosophically Illuminized?"

"Whatever."

"I now pronounce you members of the Golden Apple Corps. Kiss your sanity goodbye."

"I told you she was trouble," Moody muttered, massaging the bridge of his nose in a fashion that suggested a major headache.

"Oh, Alastor, I think you're pretty special too. Anyway, now that you are members of the Corps, it means that you can be around the Apples withou experiencing their effects."

"Apples?" Ron looked up from the tray of pasties that he had been devouring.

"Oh honestly Ron. She must be talking about the Golden Apple of Discord that she threw that started the Trojan War."

Eris winced. "Start one damn war and nobody ever lets you forget it," she thought.

"Actually, Hermione, I let Aphrodite keep that one. While I'm still goddess of discord, I much prefer chaos and confusion. In that vein, I present the Paisley Apple of Chaos, and the Orange Apple of Confusion," Eris announced as she produced them. Fred and George stared at them with their eyes glassy and little trickles of drool forming at the corners of their mouths.

"But then why are we the Golden..." Hermione began.

"C'mon, Hermione, don't tell me you can't figure that one out? It must be because she is the goddess of chaos and confusion!" Ron grinned, showing the room a little more of the pasty he had just been eating than anybody wanted. Hermione blushed.

"And Harry is going to be given a new power all his own! I believe you folks call someone who can transform into an animal an Animagus. Harry is going to be one of those."

"A stag like 'is dad?" Tonks asked, "Or maybe a dog like 'is godfather?"

"No, nothing in an ordinary vein would suit a member of the Golden Apple Corps. Harry will be an Ostrich."

Fred and George fell over laughing. Everybody but Harry, Eris, and Omar were in fact laughing. Harry seemed on the verge of tears. Hermione noticed and managed to bring herself to some semblance of control.

"But Harry, the ostrich is the fastest land animal in the world! Not to mention that it would at least confuse You-Know-Who!"

"Yeah, and Severus Snape is a Wereflamingo," Harry muttered.

"Not a bad idea Harry! I'll see to that now," Eris beamed. "Watch the birdies, and you'll see a glimpse of what is going to happen tomorrow night."

A scene began to unfold over Harry's enormous kitchen table. Severus Snape, whom they knew had been sent by Voldemort to recruit American Wizards and Witches in Florida to be Death eaters, was running from a huge flock of birds. The ungainly pink creatures overtook him. Although flamingos aren't known for their biting ability, by the sheer number of them they managed to break the skin.

Remus began laughing as the scene faded. "I wonder if wolfsbane will do him any good," he mused aloud, "He might even try to put some of his considerable talent toward curing the problems of werecreatures now."

Fred and George chose this moment to stop drooling over the thoughts of the fun they could have with Eris's apples to ask a silly question. "Y'know, Dumbledore named the Order of the Phoenix after his pet, Fawkes. Why don't we-"

"-call ourselves the Order of the Ostrich?" George finished with a broad grin on his face


	4. Chapter 4

Harry Potter and the Golden Apple Corps

Chapter 04

"You'll call yourselves what you are, not what you want," said Eris, obviously upset at the twins thinking they had a better idea of chaos than her. "Besides, I am choosing as the Goddess of Chaos to predetermine one thing."

"Predetermined Chaos?" asked Fred.

"Could we get a flyer on that?" asked George.

"No, unless you want to risk your shop on a sucker bet," said Eris, grinning like a Cheshire cat. "But, I do like you two and will give you a great fortune. Right now, however, you need to learn how to shut the smeg up."

"As to what I needed to say, Ginevra is to head the battle group. Before Harry or any of you overprotective redheaded twonks gets the idea to complain, she's been given immortality and immunity to your brand of magic. Not to mention some new powers of her own which I will discuss with her separately."

The three redheaded men dropped their jaws. A look of utter fear crossed their face. At the same time, Ginny's head looked like it was in danger of severing itself with an evil grin. Harry looked bemused. Hermione looked confused. Moody buried his face in his hands, muttering something that sounded suspiciously like "Bugger me running!"

Tonks looked thoughtful. Lupin was the first to speak coherently. "How will that work?"

"I'm a goddess, wolf-boy, damn near omnipotent. I can do as I please," Eris snickered, "Didn't he used to be a teacher? Here's the plan. At the next full moon, the fledgling wereflamingo known as Severus Snape will be giving his report to Hyphen-dork…"

Even Moody tittered at that point, because at the same time, Eris was projecting the scene over the table. Severus Snape was bowing to Voldemort, who was seated on a gravestone in the familiar Little Hangleton cemetery. On Voldemort's right simpered Peter Pettigrew. On Voldemort's left, however, was a nondescript man in a rather dull, unimpressive business suit. To any familiar with the muggle world, it was obvious that you could stare right at this man and never notice him. Even here, where his incongruity made him stand out like a blast-ended skrewt at a petting zoo, it would be easy to forget he was there, especially as the first rays of the full moon began to strike the greasy haired traitor bowed before Voldemort.

The laughter in the room began to erupt as everything about Hogwarts' former potions master began to change size except his nose. The famous hooked nose only changed color and grew a little sharper. Even Voldemort, whom everyone had thought to be without humor was on the brink of laughter. That is, until Snape attacked. In a flurry of pink feathers and spindly legs, the most feared man on the planet was trying to defend himself from one of his most faithful minions.

The scene faded, and Eris, regaining control of herself, said over the raucous laughter echoing through Harry's kitchen, "That is our moment of attack. The little man you couldn't help but notice, but had a hard time keeping your eyes on, was Greyface. I'll tell you more about him when you're all able to breathe again."

Teaser for part five:

A little Discordian metaphysics, the end of the meeting, Moody does some more snogging, and three overprotective redheads find out what happens when you piss off an immortal immune to your magic (guess why?)! And Molly Weasley comes to find out why her daughter isn't home yet. **Love! Insanity! Shouting Matches! Bouncing Paisley Puffskeins! All on the next episode of Harry Potter and the Golden Apple Corps!**


	5. Chapter 5

Harry Potter and the Golden Apple Corps

Chapter 5

Ginny grinned down at everyone rolling on the floor of Harry's kitchen. She motioned Eris aside and asked, "Okay, what are these powers you mentioned?"

"You're a near-goddess now, Ginny. You can transfigure things without a wand, travel like I can-it's similar to your apparating. You are immortal. The knowledge of what you can do will come to your mind fairly quickly. The only thing you really need to know is what you represent. If you were a full goddess, you would be the goddess of bouncing purple puffskeins."

Ginny goggled at Eris. "Bouncing… purple…" She grinned. She chuckled. She began to shake. Finally, unable to help it she collapsed in fits of howling laughter, thinking about Arnold, her little pygmypuff. It was the wildest thing she had ever heard, but somehow it all fit.

Eris chuckled softly to herself as she guided the redhead, who was still in convulsive laughter back to the table. "This is a lot more fun than the last few wars I've been involved in," she thought to herself, "but I'm going to have to go serious on them for a bit."

"Hate to tell you this kids, but it isn't all going to be ostriches and wereflamingos. The reason we're attacking is because Greyface has convinced he-who-desperately-needs-a-fucking-makeover that the only way he will win is by becoming more ordered. To that end, at that meeting, all the horcruxes are going to be there."

Harry, Ron, and Hermione jumped, startled. Lupin, Tonks, and Moody said in unison "Nobody but the Order is supposed to know about that!" Fred, George and Ginny just scowled, looking for an explanation of both horcruxes and why this laugh of a meeting had just gone serious all of a sudden.

"Don't talk about order in my presence. Your Order of the Phoenix has been a bit full of itself since Albus died. Although he told Minerva a great deal, he did not tell her the secret that he only told Harry a little over a year ago. It's your secret, Harry, would you like to tell?"

"Yeah, alright. That Prophecy they tried to steal said that I'm the one who has to kill Voldemort. He's got seven horcruxes, well five now that I destroyed his diary in the Chamber of Secrets, and Dumbledore destroyed Marvolo Gaunt's ring."

"And Greyface has convinced he-who-should-not-be-breathing that the most sensible thing is to bring them all to one place for orderly distribution. I would thank him, because it makes your job a lot easier, but I cannot go near him."

"Why not?" Fred asked, "We could use a goddess going up against that lot."

Ginny snickered a bit as Eris answered, "You'll have your sister. As to why not, I suppose I could explain a little metaphysics to you. Greyface and I are polar opposites. If we happen to touch, the universe goes boom. Kind of like combining U-no-poo with cauliflower cheese."

As everyone at the table shook their heads to try and clear that image from their minds, the doorbell rang. As Harry headed to answer it, Molly Weasley's voice burst from behind it at full volume, "GINEVRA MOLLY WEASLEY YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HOME HOURS AGO. I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE! IT'S THE ONLY UNPLOTTABLE PLACE YOU'RE LIKELY TO GO!"

"I take it she doesn't know what's going on then?" Harry surmised.

"No, she and dad had flooed out to a restaurant to get away from the house for awhile. Bill and Fleur's wedding is in three days and they've been going mad trying to get the place ready so we passed the hat. But I did think Ginny left a note." George said, getting ready to cover his ears as Harry reached the door.

"HARRY JAMES POTTER! YOU HAD BETTER LET ME SEE MY DAUGHTER OR I WILL NEVER KNIT YOU ANOTHER JUMPER AS LONG AS I…"

"Hi Mrs. Weasley," said Harry as he opened the door. "Ginny's in the kitchen."

"Thank you Harry. I'm sorry for yelling at you." She said in a voice that betrayed no hint of remorse as she stalked into the kitchen.

Everybody but Omar, Gulik, and Eris nearly fainted in shock as the first voice they heard shouting from the kitchen was not Molly Weasley, but Ginny. "HOW DARE YOU THREATEN HARRY? WE ARE ALL HE HAS AND THAT IS NOT FAIR! IT REALLY MAKES ME WONDER IF PERCY LEFT BECAUSE OF DAD OR YOU! IT ISN'T LIKE I CAME HERE ALONE ANYWAY. I HAD THREE OVERPROTECTIVE BROTHERS, HERMIONE, AND THREE ORDER MEMBERS WITH ME, AND YOU WOULD HAVE KNOWN IT IF YOU HAD BOTHERED TO READ THE NOTE I LEFT. I AM SIXTEEN YEARS OLD AND HAVE ALREADY BATTLED DEATH EATERS TWICE! I LOVE YOU BUT IT IS TIME TO SHIFT TO NORMAL MOTHER INSTEAD OF OVERPROTECTIVE AND ALWAYS SHOUTING!"

A complete silence seemed to fall over 12 Grimmauld place at that point. Fred and George hastened to get out extendable ears, although shock was still evident on their faces. Indeed, all the wizards and witches present got as close as they could to the kitchen door to hear Mrs. Weasley sobbing.

"I'm sorry, Ginny. But you're my baby, my youngest child and I don't want to let go so soon. I know I yell a lot but…"

"I'm sorry too, Mum. That crack about Percy was below the belt. But I want you to realize that I can take care of myself. We have some business to take care of, and it may take all night. I promise that I will floo home as soon as it is taken care of. Tomorrow at the latest."

"Okay, I think. But if you stay here I do not want you to…"

"To what, Mum?"

"I mean you're just still too young to…"

"If you're trying to say what I think you're trying to say, did you notice that besides Harry there are eight people, one goddess, and a giant cockroach in the living room?"

"I mean I'd like to have Harry as a son-in-law but not so…what?"

"Eight people, one goddess, and a giant cockroach in the living room."

"I think I'll floo home. I'm not feeling well."

**a/n: ok, so I didn't get everything I wanted in this chapter, but it's still to come. I've got a little bit more seriousness to come, but I promise that there will be a lot of humor still…**


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